Engelbert was a set of rosary beads. He was emerald green in color and had a St. Christopher's medal attached by a clasp to the first bead in the chain. Rosary beads, in case you are wondering, are used by people who pray to help them repeat memorized praise for God. Engelbert, known just as Bert by his friends at St. Patrick's, used to go through the routine every day by Stephany Kochinski who never missed a day to finger Bert while she prayed. Thing is, Bert long ago stopped repeating her words as she said them and instead dreamed about becoming a live person like Stephany but be nothing like Stephany. You see, Bert wanted to kick out a jam, live la vida loco, bang some chicks and pass on that peace in the valley stuff and party like it was 1999. One time Bert was going through the drill when his friend Rosie the rosary in the pew next to him whispered "Hey Bert, did you hear about the spa?" Bert said "No - what spa?" Rosie went on to tell about her experience going to this spa and while her clicker was having a massage, Rosie watched from the vent in the locker where she was placed and Woo-Who was it HOT! Bert couldn't stop thinking about Rosie's revelation for the next few days and decided that when Stephany got to the 3rd Hail Mary, Bert would make her picture "go to a spa" and it worked. What Bert didn't know was that Stephany had a secret admirer named Goose who stalked her from the pew behind where she always sat. Goose was a scurrilous lad who found a way to sneak to the back room at St. Pat's and steal swigs from the altar wine. Well Goose heard Stephany tell her friend about making a spa appointment and he figured out that Bert must have influenced her so he decided to follow Stephany to the spa and steal Bert when she put him along with her clothes in the locker. So wait 'til you hear this - Clothes got hung up in the locker, Goose waited until Stephany went to the massage room, he stole Bert and was ready to throw him into the Hudson River when Bert realized he had to do something fast. Here's what he came up with, he wrapped himself around the St. Christopher's medal, prayed that he'd miraculously turn into a guy in a white suit and BAM - that's right - you saw him LIVE in Saturday Night Fever disco dancin' like a bitch with a steel wool thong. Boy, that St. Chris knew what "giving rise to the forsaken" is all about. Bert's a happy set o' beads knowing he's traded clicking for a lifetime featuring a different kind of uh-king. You CAN petition the Lord with prayer.